trojanbogan

SOMA

2011-07-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

I find myself puzzled with alcohol and coffee. These drugs, considered safe and legal in our society, are in truth, poisons. Why are these poisons such an integral and accepted part of many peoples lives.

Alcohol is a chemical that crosses the blood brain barrier (the mechanism which stops detrimental chemicals entering our brain via our bloodstream) with amazing ease. It impairs brain function quickly and radically. It has long lasting health impacts including shrinking of the brain. Here lies the essence of my dilemma. Why does the government, usually keen to step in and control our decisions, condone the use of such a chemical? One answer is the wonderful effect it has on people’s sense of wellbeing.

If I’ve had a shitty week in a job that I hate, where my skills are under-utilised, where I'm forced to work long hours with little time off and I’m unable to give my patients the time or help they actually need.

Come Friday I’m thinking about beer. I’m thinking about smashing all those horrible thoughts from my head because I feel I’ve earned it. So I actually get excited about that prospect, as do my work colleagues. I can feel the mood lift on a Friday afternoon, the excitement and longing is palpable. Yes! We all off to poison our minds! I ask myself what this achieves?

I go home or go out and get wasted, blow off steam, forget about the week.

I wake up in the morning and feel like shit, my problems have shifted into the back ground because I have to focus on curing my self inflicted poisoning by eating horrible, unhealthy food.

I mope around for the rest of the weekend and by the time Monday rolls around I shuffle back to work with my tail between my legs just hoping to get through the day. I don’t feel like rebelling anymore, I don’t care that I hate my job, all the things that I need to change in my life I’m too lame and scared to deal with till at least Friday lunchtime. I’m happy to just do my job and be comforted by the safe feeling of being back at work.

The essence of this situation is control, alcohol is a chemical that allows the wage economy to controls its slaves and it works wonderfully if said slaves consume it in the correct proportions. Which is why governments are still compelled to deliver responsible drinking messages to ensure that the control serum has is greatest effect while still making the drug highly accessible in varying potencies so we can customise our doses depending on the length of time we’ve been in the wage economy.

This is where coffee comes into the equation. Coffee is a very effective stimulant for the wage economy. It too has its side effects that seem to be ignored by the masses because it is such a powerful productivity increaser. Coffee is a drug and once the user is hooked it is required by that person to operate at a normal level. That malaise brought on by our doses of alcohol is eased by an injection of caffeine. Not enough to get us back to solving our real problems, just enough to focus us on getting the job done. I dread the thought of a day at work but if I self medicate with some caffeine I’m pumped about selling my soul. Only problem is I don’t sleep as well, but my bosses shouldn’t worry because I still get enough sleep to earn my wage.
I just need to drink a little more on Friday to counteract those effects.

Mike Teevee

2011-07-25T08:40:00.000-07:00

Why am I so fascinated, captivated, enthralled, mesmerised and attached to that big black box in the corner?

I’ve never got time to write, relax, listen to music, dream or think. But I’ve always got time for tv.

Is it Tracey Grimshaw’s hard hitting interview technique? Or Derryn Hinch’s heart felt pleading for an alcohol proof liver? (Bet he’s thinking twice about those long lunches these days.) Or is it Carl Stephanovic’s infectious laugh, if by infectious you mean like breathing anthrax. Or then again it could be Koshie’s wealth of financial knowledge? Although I haven’t heard his sage advice since the GFC. You lost your house? Don’t worry Koshie will tell you when to buy another. I do enjoy watching Julia Gillard trying to salvage an already lifeless political career by laughing her way through another tedious interview. Ray Martin has always been one of my tv heroes for his plastic interview technique and hair to match. Another shining light would have to be Kerrie-Ann Kennely, it just goes to show that if you hang around long enough people will put up with your tv persona which resembles an annoying haemorrhoid- if there’s shit on the agenda she always seems to pop up.

Tv has always been an integral part of my families life, from the old man watching footy all weekend, to mum putting us in front of it on school holidays while she slept off another nightshift at the local maternity ward. We watched hours and hours of the stuff. We ate dinner in front of it, fought in front of it, played in front of it and generally existed in front of it. I remember lying to classmates that I too had watched last nights A-team episode for fear of being persecuted and ostracised. We would visit our country cousins and wonder how they survived with only channel 2, the poor souls, they had to go out on the farm and learn life skills…yuck!

Having tv in my life has meant I have come to rely on it, if I’m feeling stressed or sad I switch on the box, if nobody is home I’ll switch it on to have some noise in the background, if I need to think about something I’ll switch on and switch off- what problem? If I’ve got nothing to do, no need to use my imagination, just switch on the teev. If I’m having an afternoon nap its always easier with the box on, I can only imagine the shit I’ve ingested while asleep.

What really worries me is the concept that all my ideas are based on what I’ve seen on tv? Do I get my inspiration from tv? What would I do if I could never watch tv ? Could I manage? How would I interact with my peers? Would I know what was going on in this world?

The truth is I wouldn’t know what the fuck Celine Dion had for breakfast, I wouldn’t know when Brittany was making another comeback. I wouldn’t know when McDonalds was belching out another filthy creation. I wouldn’t know the coolest fashion accessory this summer and I wouldn’t know how many people died this weekend on the roads. I wouldn’t know what new game show Eddie Maguire is starring in or what movie Richard Wilkins is being paid to prop up and I certainly wouldn’t be able to marvel at Wills and Kate, or buy the latest snuggy or flab sculptor. And thinking about this makes me happy.

Where’s that remote? I’m switching off.

anyone for destiny insurance?

2010-10-28T03:22:00.000-07:00

You can hide away in your suburban palace. You can duck behind your shiny four wheel drive. You can cower in your secure career, you can creep around your leafy suburb in your bulletproof tracksuit and oversized sunglasses making no noise, observing nothing, helping no one. You can insure the shit out of every aspect of your life, free from floods, cyclones, fire and theft. You can eat the right foods, drink moderately, shun drugs, wish you were in church every sunday, take everybody's bullshit, believe everybody's bullshit, blow smoke up your bosses arse, take your four weeks holiday and ten days sick leave a year, cling to the sanctuary you call your life. Avoid challenges, confrontation, take the path of least resistance, shy away from sorrow and heartache, melt at the first sign of trouble, be meek, mild and unassuming. Be scared to make enemies or piss people off. Do what A Current Affair tells you, make your payments to the bank, do the speed limit, keep your garden nice, get a haircut every three weeks, read trashy magazines and believe that if we could be in them too, our lives would be perfect.............and it all makes no difference, it's a fool's paradise.

No matter how hard we try to build walls around us that we think will keep us safe, life has a way of breaking them down. It can be anything from divorce to cancer and at the time it may seem like your whole world is caving in and all that hard work you put into insulating yourself from life and feeling comes crashing down and your faced with a challenge, a turning point in your life, a chance to regain control of your destiny.

Ausmerica

2010-09-25T23:29:00.000-07:00

Right now the en vogue thing to do is rubbish America and it's "fine citizens" for the various "gifts" they have bestowed upon the "free" world. And yours truely is always on hand to give the seppos a good caning. The start of the new millenium saw Australians finally wisen to the folly of copying everything American. Witnessing the Australian National Basketball League slowly sliding down the boring, unwatchable, chest pumping, high fiving, show boating, shitty slope that it is. The extinction of the low slung, ten sizes too big jeans with accessorised underpants. The curse of the high five has gone. We no longer need to wear basketball boots at all times, just in case Shaq shows up at your local shopping centre wanting to take on our posse in a game on three on three. Many thanks to the geysers at Top Gear for showing us that old American muscle cars, while very stylish, handle like lamingtons as soon as they are introduced to a tight bend. And the realisation by the masses that America has really stuffed things up and we need to distance ourselves from their entire agenda, gives me hope.

But like any great company if your image is flagging just give yourselves a marketing makeover and the world will be lining up to purchase your cheesy wares. Replace your head of state, throw out a bit of propaganda and the masses will believe. The Americanisation of Australia is gaining momentum once again. The most obvious thing being the ethnocentric zombies dragging out the Australian flag at every possible opportunity, the most unfortunate circumstance, flying in tandem on the window sills of the Toyota Camry like an American presidential motorcade. It seems it's a right of passage for certain morons to scratch the southern cross into their skin, achieving nothing but confusion as to which nation in the southern hemisphere they belong to. Patriotism is at an all time high, our government has decided to model themselves on the big boys and start muscling up our nation. It all starts with promoting enthusiastic pride for one's country, what next? Maybe increase the size of our defence forces to protect our shores from the northern scourge?

You may say you've heard this all before and where is this all leading? Oprah. Australia's favourite first lady. It started as a rumour over the water cooler at work and then boom its front page news, well only front page news for the media outlets that have their greedy little fingers in the pie, next its being splashed all over commercial television "news". At first being quoted as only costing 1.5 million oprahs to soften us up, what a deal! Then the real figure comes out as we are all at home making our harpo banners and pom poms, planning where we are going to meet her on her Australia wide tour- 3 million bucks. But thats okay folks because the extra 1.5 million is coming out of government coffers and that isn't tax payer funds. Its only money that has been fleeced off us in the form of fines and "donations" from generous companies. Oh and don't forget none of this money goes to Oprah or Harpo it all goes to the three hundred of her best audience members because she won't be making a cent out the visit, right?
People are saying its value for money, especially those people working for the Australian tourism commission who coincidently came up with inspiring ideas along the lines of "where the flamin' heck are ya? By the way I'm glad that campaign didn't work, can you imagine having every American you meet parrot that crap back to you.

The question is what will Oprah bring us? For starters she will be bringing Aussie John Travlota back to our shores along with a shitload of brainless, tv stoned Americans telling us how much better things are in the US and how we can make things so much more like America if we tried really hard.
Now lets look at Oprah, she's given to charity and started schools in Africa, but she has also been responsible for audiences with zeal of the likes we've never seen, so much whooing, oh my goding, face slapping disbelief, running up and down on the spot joy and stranger hugging it hurts my soul. Not to mention the cheesy books, crappy diets, couch mounting movie stars, ostentatious houses and unattainable lifestyles she promotes.

I saw a little interview she gave after her announcement and she was asked what she was looking foward to seeing when she came to Australia and she didn't know a thing about us or what was here and the worst bit for me didn't even get her people to research any one liners for her to feed us and let's not even talk about the Aussie accent thing she was trying to pull. A little bit of insight from her people would have allowed them to realise the thing that peeves most Australians off is a seppo trying to rip off an Aussie accent except of course if it's in the movie Point Break.

So the American daytime tv circus that is the Oprah show is already hitching up the wagons for the trip down under and we will get our two episodes filmed in Sydney so the 22 million Australian fans can be a part of the show, by ballot of course and if you all got sick of looking at Julia Gillard's face this year, you know who you'll be sick of seeing on tv next year.

All I ask is please don't bring Dr Phil.

Sturt's desert prostate

2010-09-04T01:27:00.000-07:00

So with all my bills paid, debts settled, investments on track you'd think I'd be feeling satisfied.
Money is something I don't have to bother about for a while but instead I feel hollow, like that money could have been better spent on my life.
I invest to "secure" my future, to have a "noice" life in retirement, although my retirement will be hard to define seeing I'm already semi-retired from the bigger better faster economy.
I sometimes wonder what I will spend this money on when I'm old. I won't be interested in the latest fashion anymore, let alone fit into it with looking like a twit. Fluffy track pants and sheep skin slippers will be my hugo boss and ralph lauren. I would have long been forced to hand over my drivers licence, with threats of jail time, if I get caught running down trees on the median strip again on account of my slow reflexes. I won't be eating delicious five star restaurant food because my dentures won't allow it. My spectacles with be taped together to form the perfect fit. My hair stylist will have forgotten my name.
Apart from the occasional sup or snow board it will all go on prescription meds to counteract the meds I'm already taking, daily shuffles down to my local pub and the odd can of dog food to spice up my frozen vegetables.
Do I really want to buy a comfy caravan and clog up the nation's arteries with my cautious driving?! Oops, that's right officer I'm not supposed to be driving....sorry! Do I want to move from caravan park to caravan park, meeting the same jaded silver foxes telling me they've seen more sturt's desert peas than me and been to Uluru 15 times. Would it be wrong to punch those people if i was the same age or older?

Think I might take a trip down to the bank and make a substantial withdrawal.

death....it's a secret

2010-09-04T01:03:00.000-07:00

Death....who owns it, who's privy to it, why do some think its their's and their's to keep under wraps? Death, it makes some people want to be heroes, others feel they own someones death because they are grieving the hardest, the longest, the most openly public.
I've come across the phenomenon a number of times, someone passes and it has to be a secret...why? so the closest to that person can start the grieving process first, by being first they are riding in business class, looking back on all the unfortunate unknowing, unimportant folks in the back?
the answer is NO!
The death of a loved one is not something private or owned, to be disclosed by the fortunate insiders at a media conference. Everybody's life that was touched by the deceased in whatever way, big or insignificant, want to know that this person has passed with a minimum of fuss so they can grieve the way they want to grieve. Being the last to know that someone important to you has passed because the inner sanctum want the privilege of the first grieve and then get irate because they were denied is trivial.
You may be an important person in their lives but you aren't the most important person in their lives, nobody is....everybody has an impact in peoples lives and if you feel you need to prove your place in this person's memory by showing your fanatical efforts at grief, you know within yourself you've cheapened your own memory.